Listen. You know I love you. You know that I miss you every single day that I'm out here in Yankee Land. I know that you're a little upset right now. But secession is not the answer.
We tried it once, remember? We did the whole be-your-own-country thing. And it was awesome. We were really cool. But, real talk: it failed. It simply did not end well. There were feuds. There were financial problems. I mean, if Sam Houston can't lead us, NO ONE CAN.
So now that you want to do it again, I'm sorry, but I just can't support you on this one. Dallas and Austin both voted blue, and our money is in Dallas and our capital is Austin. It simply won't work. We get a lot of benefits from being a part of the U.S., no matter who's running it (no matter what you think, Obama isn't going to turn it into a socialist country). Do you really want to give that up? It's simply not practical.
OK, now it's time for some even tougher love. Everyone is laughing at you. No one is taking you seriously. You're like a little kid who keeps saying he's going to run away from home, and then once he steps out the front door, he doesn't know what to do with himself. You're making yourself look dumb. Everyone judges me even harder for being from Texas now. That's just unnecessary! You're a wonderful, beautiful, lovely place filled with plenty of lovely people! Why cant you show that side of yourself to the world? I think we can all agree that Rick Perry embarrassed us enough with his short-lived run for the Republican nomination. This really isn't helping our image.
Texas, I'm begging you. Please just stop all your nonsense and go back to being a normal state. Or as normal as you can be.
A Concerned Citizen